Am I?

Why is it I believe I’m insane? My rational side has difficulty seeing that. But when I’m not being rational, when I’m not quite ‘myself’, it’s clear I don’t quite have my sanity. It’s as though my sanity was once a pristine pane of glass, and somewhere along the line cracks began to form. I could almost hear them. Then, as time passed, the cracks grew and the glass was waiting for one last tremor to shatter it. My last ‘low’ was like a hammer to this glass. Since then, hanging on to it has felt like grasping shards of glass that pierces through my skin and makes my palms bleed.

I feel like I’m insane because I often have no control over myself, maybe because of my depersonalization. The mix of that, with my anxieties and depression as well, it’s like ingredients to a deadly serum that presses against your ribs in hopes of cracking them in order to crawl beneath your skin and, after a while, tear out from the inside. This explosion waiting to happen is like a time bomb sitting in a brown package on the stoop of a home. However, this time bomb is not set by an alarm. Rather, it follows the time of a Soul. A Soul that may or may not pick up this bomb. A Soul that cannot leave its home without making this decision. So it is trapped. Does it attempt to leave through a window, or does it walk for that door? And when it does move toward that door, what does it decide? This Soul has no means by which it can access to help, it is the only one that sees this package. Sitting there, ticking, intimidating… but not going off and somehow ending the misery.

The Soul takes a seat by the window and watches, contemplates.

“If I pick up this bomb and bring it into my home and open it, it will go off. It will be the end of this house and of me, and I do believe I’ll be happy. However my rationality disagrees. Perhaps if I were to…”

The voice begins to fade out and echo. The Soul walks to the door and opens it. There is no package, only Oblivion. It was all a lie. However, which would be better? Oblivion spent trapped alone, or death?

Taunted by the darkness and emptiness, the Soul still cannot leave the house.

*

This Oblivion that is encased in my ribs reaches through the bars of its prison at times, piercing holes through my skin.

However, what will happen when there is no more room to pierce another hole? The Oblivion wants to cause more damage, to explode like it has always wanted to. The skin is weak enough and the bars of its cell brittle. When is the right time? The Soul is currently leaning against the door, in hopes of strengthening the distance between them. Then trying to move every piece of furniture in front of the door, and sit in the attic alone, waiting.

However, the Soul is missing one item of knowledge. That the Oblivion can become stronger. It is already stronger than the Soul, and the furniture sitting behind the door is a mere hindrance. The Oblivion grows more as the helpless Soul struggles to find a way to keep itself calm. It rocks back and forth, sitting in that attic,  just waiting. Matching its movements to the rhythm of the time bomb that still seems to be ticking in its head.

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