I have two questions I want to sort out today:
- Why is it we can’t chose who to love?
- Why do we continue to grieve?
To put things in a sense where it can be understood, let’s name a few people.
- Person one: My best friend, let’s call him Kane.
- Person two: Someone I loved and lost, let’s call him Slade.
Right. Three years ago, October 3rd, 2009. I was at a party and met a boy…
And so began our winding relationship. Long story short, he was much older and far more serious. We went out for thirteen months, had six breaks ups of which five were my choice, and the sixth was mutual. I could never leave him, it was small things that tore us apart. Age difference, his friends, our lifestyles, my parents. But finally, we had to end things because he had to move to another university. And even then, we were never really over, because sometimes, he would fly eighteen hours just for a day with me. It was close to what people call love. However, he got CNS lymphoma, a cancerous brain tumor, and there was no hope. He had kept it from everyone, and it was that way until his sister found a letter from his doctor stating how long he had left. So then what? We were apart, he died, and I howled like a child.
At the time, like several of our other breaks, I was seeing someone else. That ended three months later because I could not accept Slade’s passing. It was difficult for me, but I had such a supportive group of friends. Between dealing with Slade’s at-the-time pregnant sister and his to-blame sorry excuse for a mother life had become a living hell. But through it all, one friend stood out as someone I could hold on to in order to feel stronger.
I’d known Kane since the June after I’d met Slade. Kane was someone I’d see daily, and we were very close for a lot of reasons. We were bros, y’know? And during the time we’d known each other, we grew closer than ever. We drank together at night, and we gamed together during the day. Talked, shared music, laughed. It was bliss. But we could never speak of Slade. Or anything that was related to feelings of any sort. Kane was not very… in touch with his feelings. So we never talked of sad things, or feelings, because he would grow so awkward it would just be silence. Deafening silence. So, that is how we grew close. Not through the grief, but through the happiness.
Point being, about a year after I’d known Kane and about half a year after Slade had passed, I left my home and moved away, as people do. However, I’d often here from people who’d ask who my current best friend was that I’d light up when I spoke of him. I laughed it off a lot, because I never even thought of thinking this way about him. But then someone put it as I saw it. Over the past few years that I knew him every sign of possessiveness had been jealousy. Every sign of love had involved longing. And every failed relationship that lasted two days or four months (other than Slade) was to fill that gap. Soon after this it was confirmed by the fact my best friend told me he had asked this girl out. I hated it, I made excuses about it being that he wouldn’t have time for me, but this was untrue.
Thing is, when you’re this close you can be honest. I had never kept anything from Kane and would not begin now. So I did. When I went to visit at the end of that year I sat him down an told him how I felt. He laughed it off and hugged me as I knew he would and that was that.
We’re still best friends,however, it hurts.
So. That’s about all the background you need.
Now for the actual post.
I don’t know why it is that I love Kane. And this is what I dislike. To be honest, he has more faults than anyone else I know, yet I love him more than all those people. Perhaps it is because he does not need perfection in my eyes in order to appear as someone whom I can love.
Then there is the matter of the depersonalization and depression. I never once felt like I didn’t know myself whilst I was with him. I feel that way at all times except for two occasions. The afore mentioned and when I’m at my workplace.
I think being myself and knowing who I am at these moments allows me to grow fond of the time spent. However, I must not be able to let go of my feelings in hope of hanging on to my identity. Happy, joking, immature, all the things my rationality sees I am not.
I don’t wish to take this any further as the longing itself is painful, so I will conclude my first answer here, despite not having answered the question directly.
Now, Slade has been gone all of 757 days at the time I wrote this post. By now I should relatively feel comfortable enough to settle back into my life, however I do not feel that way. I continue to grieve day after day, however, in less obvious manners. But when is it that we transcend grief and being to feel fond of the memories we hold dear to us? Of course, a natural answer would be when we are ready, but when is that? When we are ready to let go of the pain we hold? I don;t believe that is so. Perhaps it is better to say it is when the wound has healed and the scar has formed. It is then that we either choose to use scar serum – we forget everything in order to revert back to life before the wound – or we wear it with a story to be left untold, and we continue to live life, fond of the reason that the scar had the chance to appear. We may have loved and lost, but we did love after all, didn’t we? Those memories will always be far more joyful than the ones that keep us grieving. It takes a long time to reach this stage. Far longer than it takes us to heal.
Time heals everything. You just have to give time the chance by keeping well and safe, remaining in time. Despite how you feel at times, it will be worth it. There may come a time when you meet a new person than perhaps heals that wound far more than time could. And without even meaning to, maybe. That is what Kane was to me, a healer. While there are many flaws about him, he healed my wounds and moved me on. To this day, rejected or not, he is my best friend and I will never stop fighting for our relationship. Distance does not affect my feelings.
Note: this post is long and almost pointless to read. However, it allows me to acknowledge the two more important people in my life while I find a way to move my thought processes forward.