A short post with a lot of questions, but give it a think –

Would you ever just give up?

Or are you the type to keep pressing on with life no matter what gets in the way?
And why is that? Have you perhaps never faced a hardship that made you feel this way?
Or have you perhaps already encountered one – or several – that has somehow changed life so that you don’t really want to give up?

Do you even give it a thought? And feel like giving up?

 

See, over the past few weeks, circumstances have led me to crawl into my bed and just stay there. Maybe I’ll leave the bed, just for a walk in the late evening. Yet I cannot bring myself to find a reason why I should leave the loving warmth of my bed.

As a mix of being ill and depressed, all I really want to do right now is hop in a cab, run to my bedroom, and crawl into the comfort of my bed. Yet here I am, enduring a full day.

My state right now?

Currently mesource: sarahseeandersen.tumblr.com

Currently me
source: sarahseeandersen.tumblr.com

Well, are you a quitter, or not?

I know I am.

 

NB: This is not a post to motivate you. Just perhaps get you thinking.

The text I never sent.

I really wanted to die, a little while ago.
Really, really wanted to die.
But I couldn’t bring myself to disturb you. I wanted to hear a voice.
I’m better now, and I can bring myself to text you.
I wanted to die but there’s a ledge below my balcony, there is nothing sharp, I have no access to anything else, and I have no other means. Everything else may lead to failure.
I wanted to die so much I cried for hours.
I wanted to die so much I texted Stones in hopes he’d fix things, but he can’t. He even said so.
He begged me to live for him. But I couldn’t agree.
Anything for him, I said. Anything at all. But that.
I’m tired. I was tired. Now, I’m going to hope I can still sleep now and get enough rest to revise.
I wanted to die so much I wondered why my ‘best friend’ is never there for me.
I wanted to die.
I still want to.
But I can’t. That’s how it’s always been. Even told the doctors that.
I want to die, but I can’t. For I may fail.
I wanted to send you this text. But I cannot.

Attraction

My last post was soppy, I know. But moving on, today I felt like contemplating attraction. (And that’s not soppy, how?)

You see, I find myself attracted to a person I don’t see frequently. I haven’t seen them socially in about a year, yet continue seeing them when they pass by during the work week. This gets to be frustrating, as I cannot seem to rationalise how I could possibly be attracted to someone with whom I have had little to no interaction with.

Perhaps it is that the few times I have met or spoken to them, that they have astounded me with the rare kindness they possess as an individual. The most challenging aspect of writing this post is to admit I like this person. And when I do see them, be it in passing or during small talk, I find myself happier. I can further yet question how someone I know so little about can make me happier than my own best friend. What stems from this as an answer is that A. I am not on good terms with my best friend, and B. That perhaps the form of attraction is different… Yet it is not. I feel the type of attraction for this person as one would for their current love interest. Only, I am stuck calling that ‘love interest’ my best friend.

So they make me happy. Check.
I’m attracted to them. Check.
They make me laugh. Check.

What seems to be missing? Well, I guess that’s all on my part. I’m just about as socially awkward as can be, especially around this person. I stutter, get stuck for words, and find myself averting my eyes at every possible moment. This person claims to understand, but really, I don’t feel many, if any, people can. My social awkwardness is not of the common type, but rather it stems from my dissociative disorder. And this seems to make it all the more difficult to explain, let alone comprehend.

Just about there, my mind began to wander and shortly after, procrastination ensued. But is it procrastination if you are procrastinating what you were procrastinating with? Riddle me that, will you?

Strangers… Or not?

On New Year’s Eve I was walking down to a coffee shop I frequent when I want to work. Or just get out of the house. I’m actually here now. However, I digress. Point is, that as I was walking down here, I met a stranger. It was pouring. I offered them shelter under my umbrella. You would think that, after we parted ways at the stoplight, this would be last time I saw them.

Wrong.

And this is my point. People often don’t realise how small the world really is. So when you’re kind to someone, and you meet them again. You’ll be greeted with a smile.

But what if you aren’t kind, then what? There are several stories that go along these lines, but it’s never really said clearly enough, is it? Or do people just ignore all the life lessons others’ experiences are teaching them.

Where I reside, a lot of young people sit down on metro seats reserved for the elderly or the disabled. They refuse to move, even when someone who desperately needs a seat comes along.

This post is short, but I’m keeping it to the point. Respect everyone, until you have reason not to. Someday, that smile could really shine through the shitty storm you’re getting soaked in.